Kat in the Hat

unfilteredangel @ 2002-01-16T19:03:00

2002-01-17T03:01:43Z

Does anyone have any free user codes, my friend is looking at starting a journal so she needs one. Any help would be appreciated :)

unfilteredangel @ 2002-01-16T12:23:00

2002-01-16T20:38:05Z

I love getting mail, especially when I get wonderful surprises from far away friends. I got one such package today from the most wonderful girl in all of Alberta, Tammy! It was 5 boxes, one smaller than the next all fitting inside one big box. And in each box there was something.

The 1st box had a copy of the children's story Puss & Boots, and a copy of Fifth Business by Robertson Davies(yay more books to read!). The 2nd box contained a cd of Hawksley Workman. The 3rd box contained a set of Josie & The Pussycat Body Stickers, I'm gonna wear the 'meow' one on saturday! And also a copy of Reel Big Fish. The 4th box had 3 Scooby Doo air freshners, and 2 more cd's Me First and the Gimme Gimmies. The 5th box contained lyrics to Drops of Jupiter, a song that reminds her of me and the 6th box had a little RUSS kitty that is too adorable I'm going to name him Jack cause he look identical to my friend Annabree's cat Jackie.

Today is a good day :)

unfilteredangel @ 2002-01-16T00:03:00

2002-01-16T08:09:02Z

Dear *A*,
I hate the fact that you are separate from me now. I hate the fact that you have someone else to hold you now. I hate the fact that you are hugging her and not me. I hate the fact that I am feeling all this crap! What are you doing? Are you flirting with her, courting her as you did me so long ago? Are you taking her to OUR favourite resteraunts? Are you making love to her as I write this? Is she the girl of your dreams? Just so your fragile little ego doesn't get any bigger, rest assured that I don't want you. What a fool I have been! You never deserved any of my attention. You took it for granted. This woman is just another pawn in your game of denial. By distracting yourself in this way you have planted the seeds of YOUR demise - NOT mine. You are the biggest coward I have never known. I've lost all respect for you. Denial rules your life as you immerse yourself in your sick triviality. I no longer know who you are. I was loving an illusion.

From the most wonderful person you will ever know and whom you have lost forever,
Courtney

unfilteredangel @ 2002-01-15T23:58:00

2002-01-16T08:02:47Z

Steps

1: I am alone, I am healing, I strip and make love to myself. I feel sexy and powerful, my new life has begun. I am leaving everything behind, she is gone and I am free to grow. I am becoming complete I am becoming everything I am becoming whole.

2: Friends are staying with me, they try to make me laugh. They say what an uncaring bitch she is and how she was never right for me and how I can do SO much better. We decide to go out for dinner to my favourite resteraunt.

3: The resteraunt is a mistake. The only times I've been there were with her. Her memory permeates the place. I am not able to stop the stream of memories pouring from the corners of my mind.

4: I can't sleep, eat or think straight.

unfilteredangel @ 2002-01-15T23:54:00

2002-01-16T07:57:03Z

Q - My lover broke up with me saying she needed to work things out, two months later, she was in a new relationship and they can't be pried apart, what's going on here?

A - Often the phrases 'I need time' are red flags. They indicate something's going on with the relationship that the person saying these things is not saying directly to her lover. Such 'lines' are often used by a partner who wants out of a relationship and doesn't know how to leave or have the courage to be honest..

Yes Abby I know I am a Camera Slut

2002-01-16T07:16:13Z

I know I know more pictures..but when you're cute flaunt it! haha

Burn Baby Burn

2002-01-15T20:40:56Z

Disco Inferno!

I'm really looking forward to Saturday. There's a GALA dance and at first I was nervous because 'they' will be there but now I really want to go and just get down relax and have fun with my friends.

omg Candyshack is on and Chevy Chase just said 'be the ball' haha

anyways..the lovely Miss Pru is coming down on saturday so we get to hang out which is great cause I miss her company :) I think I am going to have her dye my bangs bright red or pink. I am bored with my appearance. I want to look ultra sexy and dance with all the cute girls, I may even ask one to dance! Now..what to wear!

Off to help Megan set up an Ebay account..

I am Camera Happy

2002-01-15T04:04:03Z

When in doubt, take pictures!

unfilteredangel @ 2002-01-14T19:22:00

2002-01-15T03:23:35Z

Sometimes all I want is a hand to hold..be it with a lover, friend or family member..sometimes all I want is to feel those fingers interlocked..to feel safe if only for a moment..

unfilteredangel @ 2002-01-14T10:08:00

2002-01-14T18:06:32Z

10:08am drinking orange juice from a straw, Sally Jesse on tv, warm socks on my feet and a cloud over my heart..

I miss people in my life who are not here, the ones that have moved or just live away from my grasp. I miss hello kisses and goodbye hugs, gentle smiles I haven't seen in awhile and stories I haven't heard. I miss that familiar laugh, the tingle down my spine when they first come into view and that ache I get in my heart when I know they have to leave.

I miss my Ben, Ria, Jenny, Olivia, Max and Abby..but they are out there maybe missing me..

Who Wouldn't Want This? hehe

2002-01-14T03:30:29Z

I feel sexy tonight, I don't know what it is I've been listening to Tina Turner..so I took some pictures to show off my sexy self!

If my Vagina could talk, what would it say?

2002-01-11T18:23:14Z

Last year a local theatre group did a rendition of The Vagina Monologues and this year they are holding auditions for it. Last night my 2 friends Annabree & Natasha went and got parts, they're basically giving parts to anyone who shows up that can speak well and is a girl lol. So tonight I think I'm gonna go, its a great opportunity and I think it would be fun. Natasha gets to play the part of a woman who's never looked at her vagina, so she has to hold up a mirror and look between her legs while masterbating and having a fake orgasm, reminded me of Charlotte on Sex & The City. I really wish I could have gotten that part, I'm an expert Fake Orgasmer!

Theraputic Collage Art

2002-01-10T19:23:19Z

I did these 2 pieces yesterday, the 1st representing how I felt about the whole Amanda thing, the 2nd is how I feel now

unfilteredangel @ 2002-01-09T12:09:00

2002-01-09T20:02:42Z

You know you're in a zombie state when you can sit through an entire Julia Stiles, Freddie Prinz Jr movie and not puke your guts out..

unfilteredangel @ 2002-01-08T21:55:00

2002-01-09T05:56:23Z

My life just keeps getting better and better..

I found out tonight that my grandfather has a fatal form of leukemia and his heart is failing. All the family members are coming up this weekend, we have no idea how long he'll survive. I can't cry, and I don't know why. I feel like a cold heartless person for wanting to get away this weekend. But so much has happened in the past 3 weeks that I just feel like I can't take it anymore. I can't sit here in my house and think about things because I am already in a dark place and I don't want to get swallowed up by this abyss, I fear I may never find my way out..

unfilteredangel @ 2002-01-08T06:54:00

2002-01-08T14:54:46Z

My pain was a plan, a hoax built up between two people who felt it necessary to crush my heart and soul with one fowl swoop. And to think they are laughing right now reading this. There are many sick people out there, the ones who feel nothing and find hurting others a way to distract themselves from the reality of their own lives, I can't imagine I ever let two such people into my life...and it saddens me to know they will never stop, they will hurt more than me in their lifetime.

unfilteredangel @ 2002-01-07T12:56:00

2002-01-07T20:56:20Z

Sometimes its so hard to get over someone because no matter how much you think you want to, in the back of your head there is a piece of you that doesn't want to let go because you are afraid you will never find that feeling again, even if it was only real to you. And so you are pulled in opposit directions. You tell yourself(and everyone else) that you're over it that its in the past, but you know that in your heart its still there, the feeling you had for someone, because its so strong it almost consumes you.
Its like it never goes away, it never fades, its always lingering there in the recesses of your heart waiting for you to clutch at it and feel it again. And even though your broken, that feeling remains in tact because you'd rather remember the pleasure than the pain that has replaced it.

I wonder how many more hearts need to be broken before the cycle stops..

Resolutions

2002-01-07T20:26:33Z

After reading Pru's diary I thought I'd do a similar entry

I would like to start of by thanking my old and newly aquired friends:
Christy - you stuck by me when everyone else said they would but never did, you have always accepted me for who am I and never questioned anything I did. I know this is a life long friendship
Amy - although we don't talk as much as we used to you always a shoulder I can cry on, you are like a sanctuary I can turn to when I'm in trouble
Leanne - you let me into your life when you didn't have to, you've given me a place to stay when I needed to get away, you are a person I want in my life always..you taught me to flaunt my funkyness
Annabree - thank you for being that rock I needed to lean on, for holding me while I cried, and for allowing me into your life. You taught me that being yourself is more important than having people accept you
Abby - thank you for making me laugh when I needed it the most, and for showing me that I can love but that I can move on
Marina - you never questioned me, only told me you loved me no matter what I choose to do with my life, you are an amazing kid
Ben - We haven't spoken in so long but you will always be a part of my life, even if its only in my heart, I never loved anyone the way I loved you

Resolutions
-To learn to move on
-To not give my heart out so easily, but to not keep it under lock and key
- To take things with a grain of salt
- To be young have fun and know that everything happens for a reason
- To love myself completely, body and soul

Jann Knows..

2002-01-06T21:54:19Z

And when I held you, you would almost always hold me down
and you could see through everything I said I was falling
and you said not to fall on you
I've bitten every finger till it bled
wishing that you loved me too, wishing that
And when I kissed you you would almost always kiss me back
but I could tell your mind was with someone else
on my hands are folded neatly in my lap and I am
picturing your body as I ask myself if you love me too
wishing that you loved me too, wishing that
Listen to my nervous laughter sunken deep inside my heart
my lips are dry I'm teary eyed for you my love
harken all you fallen angels help me find a place to rest
my head is pounding here beneath the weight of this
I'm wishing that, and you know me
oh you know me more than anyone and when I hear your voice
everything I've done disappears from memory
oh my darling come and save me tell me I'm the only one
you're dreaming of
wishing that you loved me too, wishing that you love me too
wishing that..

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When I cry I close my eyes and every tear
falls down inside and I pray with all my might that I will find
my heart in someone's arms
when I cry, cry, when I cry
when I am sad I think of every awful thing I ever did
when I cry there is no love, no there is nothing
that can comfort me enough
when I cry, cry, cry
the salt inside my body ruins everyone I come close to
my hands are barely holding up my head
oh I'm so tired of looking at my feeet and all the
secrets that I keep
my heart is barely hangin' by a thread
Oh look at me at all I've done
I've lost so many things that I've so dearly loved
lost my soul I lost my pride oh I lost any hope of having
a sweet life so I cry, cry, cry
the salt inside my body ruins everyone I come close to
my hands are barely holding up my head
I'm barely hangin' by a thread
I miss you all I wish was I was with you now
I wish I was...

unfilteredangel @ 2002-01-06T12:45:00

2002-01-06T20:53:28Z

Only 20 days until I'm 21! woo hoo legal everywhere hehe I have no idea what to do for my birthday though, I wish we had cool clubs here instead of just Cactus Jacks(hick country), JJ's(bibblet central) and The Max(pop music mania). All my friends want to take me to Kelly O'Brians and make me get a muff diver(its a shot filled with whip cream and someone holds it between their legs and you have to drink it from there) I want to get wild and let my hair down lol and just forget about things for awhile.

My awsome friend Abby is letting me come visit her next weekend and I get to see her pretty horse Chief. She literally was the only person who made me laugh and forget about things for a moment during this whole 'ordeal' and I honestly can't thank her enough. But she only has one flaw..she is a Christopher Walken fan lol and anyone who knows me knows that he terrifies me! But other than that she's great, I mean she is a Frank fan!

Caffeine and Sleeping Pills..

2002-01-06T08:48:37Z

So tonight 3 of my friends came over, Leanne and then S2(s-squared) Susan & Suzanne the totally cute couple. We just hung out watched Chasing Amy, gossiped, ate and took pics with my digital camera. I love having such amazing friends that I can count on when I need a pick-me-up. Here are the results of our night..

Susan, Suzanne & Leanne showing off their lesbian tongues

3 pairs of hiking boots at my door, who could they belong to?

Susan & Suzanne groping each other

me close up

Leanne and I the epidomy of cool

Suzanne and I

Hot Girls with Pink Hair

Realizations

2002-01-05T23:24:12Z

So I decided a few things in the past 2 days. No matter how much I want to be friends with Krista & Amanda again I know I will not. I am a strong person but there are some things I can't forgive only forget.

Its funny because when you are in love with someone and you think they love you, its easy to see only what you want to. I can see now that our relationship would have been self-destructive to both of us. I also think that you have to figure things out in your own life before you take on someone else. Yes you can grow with a person, but if you are unstable be it emotionally or physically, its not the best idea to involve someone else into that equation.
And honestly I think that was the case in our relationship and could be in their relationship(although I hope not). I think when you are dealing with certain things its easier to be with someone who is also dealing with things in their life because in most cases you won't have one person deflecting their emotions onto the other. That is how it was in our case, certain things were going on in her life and I was trying to be supportive but I can see how she thought I was just nagging her.

I am sooo lucky to have amazing friends that are here for me right now, without them I know for sure I'd be crying in bed every night.

Last week I was listening to 'sometimes I wanna die' by Joydrop, today I'm listening to 'I love myself today' by Bif Naked

I can't Make you Love me

2002-01-02T05:22:32Z

Turn down the lights turn down the bed
turn down these voices inside my head
lay down with me
tell me no lies just hold me close don't patronize

Chorus
cause I can't make you love me, if you don't
and you can't make your heart feel something it won't
here in the dark in these final hours
I will lay down my heart and I feel the power
but you won't
cause I can't make you love me, if you don't

I'll close my eyes and then I won't see
the love you don't feel when you're holding me
morning will come, I'll do what's right
just give me till then to give up this fight
and I will give up this fight

chorus
cause I can't make you love me, if you don't
and you can't make your heart feel something it won't
here in the dark in these final hours
I will lay down my heart and I feel the power
but you won't
cause I can't make you love me, if you don't

Don't know what to do with myself

2002-01-02T04:46:26Z

Why can't I be the kind of person I want to be..why can't I just be strong and move on..I think I'm going to see a councellor next week because I can't sleep(15hrs in 7 days) and I have no appetite and I've gone through at least 5 boxes of Kleenex.

Not all of it is because of Amanda though. My grandfather is back in the hospital with a blood clot to the arteries and he may have to have surgery, he's 80yrs old and they don't think he has a good survival rate. I have had a phobia of hospitals since I was 11 and had scoliosis so everytime I'm in one I freeze up, like people who have closterphobia I become paralyzed. So my mother is mad at me for not going to visit him and I feel horrible because we're so close and if he dies and I didn't see him I would hate myself.

I admit some of it is still about the Amanda thing. During the day I am fine, I don't even think about them but once my head hits the pillow her image is there, memories of things we did but my face is replaced by Krista's. I don't know how to shake this, and I am so scared that I won't be able to. I feel so lost right now, nothing seems real in my life. I don't want them to hate me and I'm so scared that they do. I will always love them but I know that I can't forgive, but maybe in time I can forget.

Almost 4yrs ago I lost the only other person I loved and it took me nearly a year to get over it all. I feel like I am slipping into that familar pattern of depression. Its not like I'm suicidal, I just feel emotionless almost. I catch myself staring blankly out the window sometimes. I can't get angry, and its not like I'm botteling up my emotions because right now I am just a big ball of confusion. I have no idea how I will react the first time I see either of them. Maybe I will cry, or maybe I'll just sit there and not know what to say..

P.S. Krista if you are reading this please don't be mad at me for posting about it..I'm not writing any of this to hurt anyone

unfilteredangel @ 2002-01-01T17:10:00

2002-01-02T01:09:51Z

Best Things of 2001

- left all the people in my life who were only using me
- came to terms with my sexuality
- was outed by my parents
- decided to stop wasting money on an education that wasn't making me happy
- made a lot of new friends who actually support me
- joined Safe Spaces
- dated Amanda

Worst things of 2001
- being alone for 5 months
- was outed by my parents
- huge depression nobody knew about
- losing one of my close friends after she found out I was gay
- believing in fake love